ASSRA Forum - Add a Humor Section

harry_eales Oldtimer Offline Posts: 644	Re: Add a Humor Section Reply #180 - 03/08/10 at 13:06:34 Wayne, You can't help where you were born, blame your parents, but then again someone has to be born there. lol. Gert, Spot on old son, for a gentleman from Belgium you have an ear for accents. Harry
Back to top	IP Logged

Dave

Full Forum Member

Offline

Posts: 114

Re: Add a Humor Section
Reply #181 - 03/08/10 at 18:11:09

I just received this one from a Texas friend and I thought I would post it here for Wayne's enjoyment.

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Texas girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer,
he throws his glass in the air, pulls out
his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico ,
our glasses are so cheap we don't need
to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this,
drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the
air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots
the glass to pieces...
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have
so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber,
picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp,
throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the M exican and the A rab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In Texas , we have so many
illegal aliens that we don't have to
drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless TEXAS

Back to top

IP Logged

SSGeezer Junior Forum Member Offline Posts: 15	Re: Add a Humor Section Reply #182 - 03/09/10 at 01:35:08 Ya gotta love the "free states" and TX is #1.
Back to top	IP Logged

texasmac Senior Forum Member Offline Posts: 437	Re: Add a Humor Section Reply #183 - 03/09/10 at 13:00:16 Dave, That was great! I'm still laughing as I type this. I definitely will be passing that one along. Wayne
Back to top	WWW IP Logged

Dave Full Forum Member Offline Posts: 114	Re: Add a Humor Section Reply #184 - 03/09/10 at 14:36:57 Wayne, PM me an email address where I can forward a carton I received that is way beyond the acceptaqble standards of the forum. Dave
Back to top	IP Logged

westerner Frequent Elocutionist Offline Posts: 1977	Re: Add a Humor Section Reply #185 - 03/09/10 at 22:49:25 http://www.wimp.com/snappingturtles/
Back to top	IP Logged

texasmac Senior Forum Member Offline Posts: 437	Re: Add a Humor Section Reply #186 - 03/09/10 at 23:28:52 Dave, PM sent. Wayne
Back to top	WWW IP Logged

texasmac

Senior Forum Member

Offline

Posts: 437

Re: Add a Humor Section
Reply #187 - 03/12/10 at 22:31:38

Here's a little Johnnie joke.
===============
Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.'
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said there’s a good chance he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd better not need glasses'.
Smiley

Back to top

WWW

IP Logged

texasmac

Senior Forum Member

Offline

Posts: 437

Re: Add a Humor Section
Reply #188 - 03/14/10 at 17:31:13

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate. Leno

America needs Obama-Care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?

A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?

A: A fund raiser. Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?

A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?

A: America! Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?

A: Bo has papers. Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?

A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. Letterman

Back to top

WWW

IP Logged

harry_eales Oldtimer Offline Posts: 644	Re: Add a Humor Section Reply #189 - 03/15/10 at 11:50:50 O/K, this wasn't my idea, I like Americans, 'honest injun', but I did find this amusing. WARFARE, God's way of teaching Americans Geography. Harry P.S. George W, never did find out where Iraq was. lol.
Back to top	IP Logged

BP

Senior Forum Member

Offline

Posts: 302

Re: Add a Humor Section
Reply #190 - 03/15/10 at 22:02:15

Harry,

I'm reminded of a comment made by a Soviet General that I'll have to paraphrase:

Regardless of how good the planning, from the moment the first shot is fired, war becomes total chaos - a series of unknown actions and reactions. American society exists in a state of semi-controlled chaos. That is why Americans can win - they are already used to it.

And we appreciate the fact that you Brits are there with us, regardless of the confusing Geography. Grin

Cheers,
BP

Back to top

There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

IP Logged

MartiniBelgian Oldtimer Offline Posts: 707	Re: Add a Humor Section Reply #191 - 03/19/10 at 04:01:20 Reminds me about this one re. the Brits, when they still had an empire - I think it must have been Napoleon complaining. "The trouble with the Brits is they never know when they lost a battle or even the war, they just keep on fighting..."
Back to top	WWW IP Logged

harry_eales

Oldtimer

Offline

Posts: 644

Re: Add a Humor Section
Reply #192 - 03/19/10 at 07:26:18

MartiniBelgian wrote on 03/19/10 at 04:01:20:

Reminds me about this one re. the Brits, when they still had an empire - I think it must have been Napoleon complaining.

"The trouble with the Brits is they never know when they lost a battle or even the war, they just keep on fighting..."

Gert,

It doesn't matter if it's the French, the Spanish, the Germans, the Scots, the Irish, the Danes or whoever. It's not often we give up, that's just the way we are. the only reason we lost our American colonies was because we had a 3.000 mile long supply route serviced by ships capable of no more than 5 mph. Grin

No insult intended to my American friends. lol.

Harry

Back to top

IP Logged

harry_eales

Oldtimer

Offline

Posts: 644

Re: Add a Humor Section
Reply #193 - 03/19/10 at 07:37:35

Now for something entirely different. (Apologies to Monty Python).

Sport. Most of the worlds countries play soccer, Americans like Baseball, a girls game here in the U/K called 'Rounders'.

The True Englishman is an afficianardo of Cricket, a game which is played in virtually all the ex-colonial countries except America and Canada. I don't know why that is, the rules are simple, anyone can follow them :-

The Rules of Cricket.

1. There are two teams. One out, one in.

2. The team that's out, try to get the player that's in, out.

3. When they do get him out, he goes in.

4. Then the next player goes out. As long as he's out, he's in.

5. The object is then for the team that's out to get the second player out. When they get him out, he goes in.

6. This process is repeated for each innings until the team that's out gets the team that's in, all out.

7. When the whole team is out, the team that was in, goes out, and the team that was out, goes in.

8. Then they play a second innings until they're all out. Except one player. He remains not out.

All clear now?

Simples,

Harry

Back to top

IP Logged

Dave

Full Forum Member

Offline

Posts: 114

Re: Add a Humor Section
Reply #194 - 03/19/10 at 11:40:57

A man washed up on a desert island after a shipwreck. The only other survivors were a sheep and a sheepdog.

The three of them got into the habit of going down to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds and the breeze was warm and gentle. It was a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over and put his arm around the sheep.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.

That evening, the man took Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful tropical evening – perfect for romance. Before long the man started to get “those feelings” again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in, moved closer to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sex for months.

Nancy batted her long, lovely eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do to help.

“Yes,” he said, “Take the dog for a walk.”

Back to top

IP Logged

	Welcome, Guest. Please Login or Register
	Try out the Chat tab!