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Add a Humor Section (Read 156611 times)
feuerbixler
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München, Bayern, Germany
Re: Add a Humor Section
Reply #510 - Feb 17th, 2012 at 8:50am
 
.

Ooooh these Italians !!!


Wink  Grin  Grin  Grin
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Questions in old German target rifles?  Hhhmm, maybe I can help...
...meanwhile more than 500 quality posts from Bavaria!
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Green_Frog
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Lynchburg, VA, Virginia, USA
A Modest Proposal
Reply #511 - Feb 17th, 2012 at 1:04pm
 
OK, the powers that be are talking about everyone paying their "fair share" or having taxes that will come from those who most can afford to pay.  If they are serious about it, there is one quick and easy system that will provide all the money the government could ever need as well as making life better for us all.

TAX POLITICAL CONTRIBUTIONS AND ADVERTISEMENTS!  If every political contribution were taxed at the same "low" rate as Capital Gains, 15%, and each political ad were taxed at say, the 10% Excise Tax rate, the Federal Government would have more money than even a Liberal Democrat could spend.  There would be an added advantage in that the airways and signboards of America would be much more attractive due to the decrease in Audio and Visual contamination that occurs around election times.  Everybody wins!  If you like this idea please pass it along to everyone you know, don't thank me, it was the least I could do to "get some real skin in the game!"
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SSShooter
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Re: A Modest Proposal
Reply #512 - Feb 17th, 2012 at 2:40pm
 
Green_Frog wrote on Feb 17th, 2012 at 1:04pm:
OK, the powers that be are talking about everyone paying their "fair share" or having taxes that will come from those who most can afford to pay.  If they are serious about it, there is one quick and easy system that will provide all the money the government could ever need as well as making life better for us all.

TAX POLITICAL CONTRIBUTIONS AND ADVERTISEMENTS!  If every political contribution were taxed at the same "low" rate as Capital Gains, 15%, and each political ad were taxed at say, the 10% Excise Tax rate, the Federal Government would have more money than even a Liberal Democrat could spend.  There would be an added advantage in that the airways and signboards of America would be much more attractive due to the decrease in Audio and Visual contamination that occurs around election times.  Everybody wins!  If you like this idea please pass it along to everyone you know, don't thank me, it was the least I could do to "get some real skin in the game!"

Sounds good to me. Should also tax all religions as businesses, as well. Most spend their money on themselves rather than actually doing anything to help others. They would get the same charitiable contribution deductions as any other business. When they do good they get what they deserve (a deduction).
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texasmac
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Central Texas, Texas, USA
Re: Add a Humor Section
Reply #513 - Feb 17th, 2012 at 4:41pm
 
Hey guys,

I started this as a Humor Section.  Let's don't get too far off track.  Maybe someone should start a political thread.

Wayne
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Nero
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Arkles Bay, New Zealand
Re: Add a Humor Section
Reply #514 - Feb 20th, 2012 at 12:21am
 
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on decoys for duck hunting instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't hunted in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
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Nero
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Arkles Bay, New Zealand
Re: Add a Humor Section
Reply #515 - Feb 28th, 2012 at 2:36pm
 
Wonder if this link rings any bells amongst the oldies lurking here?
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=HzSaoN2LdfU
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Nero
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Arkles Bay, New Zealand
Re: Add a Humor Section
Reply #516 - Feb 29th, 2012 at 1:30am
 
Another one for the senior citizens.
The Deaf Wife Problem

Richard feared his wife Rita wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the Greenhouse. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response...

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Rita, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response..

So he walks right up behind her. 'Rita, what's for dinner?'


'For God's sake, Richard , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!
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38_Cal
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Montezuma, Iowa, USA
Re: Add a Humor Section
Reply #517 - Feb 29th, 2012 at 1:27pm
 
Nero, that hits way too close to home!

Do you guys know the NRA salute?  Cup your hand around your ear!

David
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David Kaiser
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Nero
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Arkles Bay, New Zealand
Re: Add a Humor Section
Reply #518 - Mar 7th, 2012 at 2:49pm
 

> A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop. He
> very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
> bandana, unfolds  it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he
> also  unfolds to reveal a condom.
>
> The condom has a number of patches on it.  The chemist holds it up and eyes
> it critically.
>
> "How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.
>
> "Six pence," says the chemist.
>
> "How much for a new one?"
>
> "Ten pence" says the  chemist.
>
> The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
> and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out
> of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
>
> A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
> followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier
> marches back into the chemist and addresses the proprietor, this Time with a
> grin on  his face.
>
> "The regiment has taken a vote,"  he says. "We'll have a new one."
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texasmac
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Central Texas, Texas, USA
Re: Add a Humor Section
Reply #519 - Mar 12th, 2012 at 1:44pm
 
Here's some more humor from the UK.


These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K.  Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little  bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky  neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered  German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a  single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for  sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer  £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call  Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY  OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent  condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the  Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same  time?"
Grin
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BP
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Re: Add a Humor Section
Reply #520 - Mar 18th, 2012 at 7:37pm
 

The $100 Bill:

It's a slow day in the small town of Pumphandle, and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs and pick out one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the $100 bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to pay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The prostitute rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel owner then places the $100 back on the counter so the tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the tourist comes down the stairs, says that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

What just happened? No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the people of the town now think that they are out of debt, and they suddenly have a false sense of optimism and confidence.

And that, my friends, is how a "stimulus package" works!      Smiley
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There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
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texasmac
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Re: Add a Humor Section
Reply #521 - Mar 18th, 2012 at 9:32pm
 
BP,
That's a good one.  Thanks.
Wayne
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texasmac
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Re: Add a Humor Section
Reply #522 - Mar 25th, 2012 at 9:27pm
 
Just for you old codgers that have a hard time keeping up with technology.  It's in German but what's happening will be obvious.

http://www.wimp.com/dadipad/
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texasmac
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Re: Add a Humor Section
Reply #523 - Mar 25th, 2012 at 10:59pm
 
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.

Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

Of course all the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, A now very embarrassed man.

But as usual I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

YOU DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS
Grin
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BP
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Westside, Washington, USA
Re: Add a Humor Section
Reply #524 - Mar 26th, 2012 at 12:12am
 

Poll Results:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

And....

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Ergo.... There must be a boat load of people in Washington D.C. playing marbles!
Grin
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There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
Proud Noodlehead
 
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